Answer the following questions. Each "Yes" answer is worth one point. If you score between three and five you are confused, and in danger of becoming a liberal. If you score between six and nine you are a liberal. Not a very good one, mind, but a liberal all the same. Sorry. If you score ten or more then you won't think this questionnaire funny at all, but you are welcome to use it for serious purposes if it suits you (e.g. as an screening test for applicants to your university politics club).

For those who score highly but don't wish to be liberals, there may be some hope for you - If you had to think about the questions before responding, you are not yet a fully-fledged liberal. A true liberal never needs to think; he simply leaps from feeling to knowledge.

1. Do you feel all and every loopy idea, lie, foolishness, and other expression of opinion should be freely put to the public at any time (except anything previously labelled "extremist")?
2. Are you certain that anyone who answers "No" to the previous question IS an extremist?
3. Do you feel that "extremist" ideas are any with which you disagree?
4. Do you feel that the solution to all the world's problems is more of other people's money spent on laws and "education"?
5. Do you feel that "liberty" must be defended at all costs especially by making more laws which compel more people to do more things which they don't wish to do?
6. Are you certain the world would be perfect if everybody thought like you?
7. Do you feel middle-class people who commit "social" crimes (e.g. disciplining their children) should be punished very, very severely?
8. Do you think it axiomatic that the government does everything better than individuals?
9. Do you think it axiomatic that the government does everything better than "for-profit" private organisations?
10. Is it an undeniable fact that "not-for-profit" organisations do everything better than government?
11. Do you inevitably scream "Big Brother" on the rare occasions when government refuses to concede to the wishes of your pet "not-for-profit" organisation?
12. Do you think that anybody who mentions Big Brother in any other context is a "dangerous extremist right-wing nut"?
13. Are you sure that criminals from "low socio-economic backgrounds" are really "victims" who need assistance, and should not be punished at all?
14. When you hear that a "victim" from a "low socio-economic background" has murdered a middle-class white person do you have to suppress the desire to exclaim "serves the Bourgeois pig right" in case you sound really insensitive?
15. Are you a middle-class white person?
16. This questionnaire is completely failing to get you to reassess your ideas, isn't it?
17. Do you feel everybody ought to have nice strong gun laws like New York and L.A. to protect the children?
18. Are you certain that smoking is one of the greatest evils facing society at present?
19. Do you know that a statistical correlation between smoking and cancer proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that smoking causes cancer?
20. Do you feel that a statistical correlation between rapists and pornography usage is something only mentioned by "simplistic troglodytes"?
21. Would it would surprise you to be accused of inconsistency?
22. Can you justify anything at all on the basis that the end is good?
23. Do you feel that alcohol is one of the greatest evils facing society at present?
24. Do you feel that the solution to the over-use of alcohol by the poor is to put up the price of it by additional taxation, thus providing funds for "social programmes" to make the poor more like you and your friends?
25. Do you feel that prostitutes, homosexuals, atheists, and other perverts are generally "Really nice people" and do you often express surprise at others' apparently contrary impressions?
26. Doesn't it amaze you when it is suggested that people are responsible for their actions?
27. Doesn't it amaze you when it is suggested that one generation can't be held responsible for the actions of a previous generation?
28. Doesn't it amaze you that the above two answers make you sound completely self-contradictory to some people?
29. Do you feel that child abuse is a huge problem especially among middle-class families who are always in "deep denial" on the issue?
30. Are you certain that society is improving?
31. Do you feel that the overwhelming evidence that society is actually going down the toilet very rapidly can be attributed to "more openness"?
32. Do you feel that people who shoot, bomb, beat up, hijack, and torture others for political purposes are always by definition "right-wing extremists" unless you agree with their cause in which case these same crimes are "understandable reactions to intolerable oppression"?
33. Are you certain that the world is over-populated, especially by people who think differently from you?
34. Don't you agree that Picasso produced great art?
35. Does the phrase "All artistic expression is valid" make sense to you?
36. Does the phrase "All cultures are valid" make sense to you?
37. When a news reader or politician refers to the necessity of doing something really dumb because of "international opinion" or the "expectations of the International Community" does this make even the slightest bit of sense to you?
38. Have you ever met the "International Community"?
39. Been to their parties? (This is worth double points.)
40. Do you feel that drug usage by teenagers is a "normal part of adolescent experimentation" (except in the case of your own children, whom you describe as "victims")?
41. Do you regularly describe those who disagree with your views as "dangerous"?
42. Do you believe Bill Clinton? (This is worth triple points.)
43. Do you believe in right-wing conspiracies?
44. Are you convinced that anybody who uses the words "communist" and "conspiracy" in the same sentence needs psychiatric care?
45. When reading newspapers, do you believe everything you read unless it conflicts violently with your pre-conceived ideas?
46. If there was ever an occasion when you disbelieved something in a newspaper, did you blame "capitalist ownership of the media"?
47. Are you certain that businessmen, farmers, fishermen, mining company executives, and conservative religious leaders are "self-centred" and "out of touch with community values"?
48. Do you feel that teachers, social workers, youth workers, and liberal politicians are, by definition, "caring, community-minded, generous, broad-minded, people"?
49. Do you hate it when conservatives make broad generalisations?
50. Would it still surprise you to be called inconsistent?
51. Do you prefer to refer to parents as " caregivers"?
52. Do you believe Karl Marx, Jacques Rousseau, Mao Tse Tung and Hilary Rodham Clinton are/were all gentle lovers of humanity? (This is worth quadruple points.)
53. Do you feel that animals have rights?
54. Have you given more money to animal rights organisations than to the St. Vincent de Paul Society or the Salvation Army?
55. Do you feel whales are as smart as people?
56. Smarter than people?
57. Do you feel they're trying to talk to us but we're too dumb to understand?
58. In fact, you know whales are liberals, don't you? (This one's worth a hundred points. After all, how could an intelligent, gentle and caring creature like a whale be anything but a liberal?)

I hope you found this quiz informative. If you found it entertaining as well, then thank those wonderful liberals who have chewed up countless taxpayer dollars and man-hours (er, person-hours) in universities around the world constructing such elaborately fruity ideas.

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